A businessman enters a tavern, sits
down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the
rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his
shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare
another double martini. After he finishes that it, he
again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the
bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender
says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night
long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your
shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer
replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she
starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."
A woman in the bar says that she
wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts.
Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to
do that. I know how to do it without surgery."
The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"
"Just rub toilet paper between them."
Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them
"I don't know, but it worked for your ass."
A guy walks into a bar and orders
a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the can. He
doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign
on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!".
After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign
next to his beer saying, "So did I!"
A man limps into a bar with a cane
and alligator. The bartender stops him and says "Hold on
a second here - you can't bring that animal in here,
they aren't allowed!" So the man says, "But my gator
here does a really cool trick..."
The bartender says "Well then,
lets see!" So the man whips out his dick and shoves it
in the gators mouth. He then takes his cane and starts
bashing the gator in the head with it. A crowd gathers
around and everyone is astonished when he pulls out his
dick without a single scratch.
He looks around at the crowd and
says, "Does anyone else want to try?" An old lady raises
her hand and says..."Sure, but don't hit me with that
There were these two guys in a
bar, which was on the 20th floor of a building. The
first man said " I bet you $100 I can jump out that
window and come straight back in!" The second man says
"Ok, sure." and the barman holds the bet. The first man
jumps out the window and disappears for a second before
jumping straight back in. Disappointed about losing the
$100, the second man says: " I'll bet you another $100
you can't do it again." So the barman holds the bet.
Sure enough, the first man jumps out the window,
disappears for a second, then jumps straight back in.
Thinking he must have caught a freak gust of wind, the
second man says "Ok, I bet you $300 I can jump out the
window and come straight back in." The first man says"
Ok, sure." The second man jumps out the window and falls
to the footpath below. He is dead. Back up in the bar,
the barman says to the first man " Gee, you can be a
bastard when you're pissed, Superman."
This bartender is in a fun bar, when
this really hot chick walks up and says in a sexy
seductive voice, "May I please speak to your manager?"
He says, "Not right now, is there anything I can help
you with?" She replies, "I don't know if your the man to
talk to...its kind of personal..." Thinking he might get
lucky, he goes, "I'm pretty sure I can handle your
problem, miss." She then looks at him with a smile, and
puts two of her fingers in his mouth...and he begins
sucking them, thinking "I'm in!!!" She goes, "Can you
give the manager something for me?" The bartender
nods...yes. "Tell him there's no toilet paper in the
A guy walks into a bar with his
pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking,
the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey
grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs
some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the
pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth
and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your
monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate
the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the
bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the
patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp.
I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his
drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's
in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He
orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the
While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino
cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt,
pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.
"Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks
the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his
butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron.
"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he
ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"
There's this drunk standing out on
the street corner, and a cop passes by, and says, "What
do you think you're doing?" The drunk says, "I heard the
world goes around every 24 hours, and I'm waiting on my
house. Won't be long now, there goes my neighbor."
A new guy in town walks into a bar
and reads a sign that hangs over the bar... FREE BEER!
FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the
guy asks the bartender what the test is.
Bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that
whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once
and you can't make a face while doing it. Second,
there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have
to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a
woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta
make things right for her." The guy says, "Well, as much
as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be
nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get
crazier from there.
Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks,
"Wherez zat teeqeelah?"
He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and
downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his
face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people
inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping,
then silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his
shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.
"Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"
An Irish man walks into a bar. The
bartender looks at him and notices he has a steering
wheel stuck down the front of his pants. "Hey," he says,
"What's with the steering wheel down your pants?" "Ach,"
says the Irish man, "it's drivin' me nuts!"
Two drunks had just gotten thrown
out of the bar and are walking down the street when they
come across this dog, sitting on the curb, licking his
balls. They stand there watching and after a while one
of them says, " I sure wish I could do that!"
The other one looks at him and says, "Well, I think I'd
pet him first".
There is a guy. His favorite bar
is called 'Sally's Legs'. The bar is closed, so he waits
outside for it to open. He was waiting a long time and a
cop got suspicious, came over to him, and asked, "What
are you doing?" The guy replies, "I'm waiting for
'Sally's Legs' to open so I can get a drink."
Two old drunks in a bar. The first
one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I
couldn't bend it with either of my hands. By the time I
was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried
really hard. "By the time I was 50, I could bend it
about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week,
and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand"
"So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?"
"Well," says the first, "I'm just wondering how much
stronger I'm gonna get!"
One night a man was getting very
drunk in a pub. He staggered back to take a piss,
whipping his prick out as he went in the door. However,
he had wandered into the ladies room by mistake,
surprising a woman sitting on the can, "This is for
ladies!" she screamed. The drunk waved his dick at her
and said "So is this!"
One night, a police officer was
stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible
violations of the driving under the influence laws. At
closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar,
trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different
cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat
fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.
Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started
his engine and began to pull away.
The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the
driver, read him his rights and administered the
Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0.
The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.
The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."
A koala walks into a bar one
night, slams his paw down on the table, and orders a
drink. When he's done, slam goes his paw again for more.
This goes on for about half an hour, and just when he
was going to do it again, the barkeep told him if he was
looking for a good time, there was some one in the back
room who could help him, the koala decides why not and
goes into the back room. There he meets a prostitute who
is waiting for him. That night he has the best sex he
has ever had. After the prostitute turns to the koala
and says, "How about my money," the koala looked
confused and the prostitute brought out a dictionary and
it said...PROSTITUTE: Has sex for money.
So in response the koala turn to
the definition for the koala and it says. KOALA: Eats
bush and leaves.
One sunny day in Ireland, two men
were sitting in a pub, drinking some Guinness, when one
turns to the other and says "You see that man over
there? He looks just like me! I think I'm gonna go over
there and talk to him." So, he goes over to the man and
taps him on the shoulder. "Excuse me sir," he starts,
"but I noticed you look just like me!" The second man
turns around and says "Yeah, I noticed the same thing,
where you from?", "I'm from Dublin", second man stunned
says, "Me too! What street do you live on?", "McCarthy
street", second man replies, "Me too! What number is
it?", the first man announces, "162", second man shocked
says, "Me too! What are your parents names?", first man
replies, "Connor and Shannon", second man awestruck
says, "Mine too! This is unbelievable!"
So, they buy some more Guinness
and they're talking some more when the bartenders change
shifts. The new bartender comes in and goes up to the
other bartender and asks "What's new today?" "Oh, the
Murphy twins are drunk again."
A man walks into a bar with a
giraffe and they proceed to get blitzed. The giraffe
drinks so much it passes out on the floor. The man gets
up and heads for the door to leave when the bartender
yells, "Hey! You can't leave that lyin' there!" The
drunk replies, "That's not a lion! It's a giraffe."
The local bar was so sure that its
bartender was the strongest man around that they offered
a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a
lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the
lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more
drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had
tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but
nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came into the bar,
wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in
a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try the bet" After
the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK,
grabbed a lemon,
and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains
of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the
man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops
fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender
paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do
for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or
what?" The man replied "I work for the IRS."
A woman walks into a bar with her
5 pound Chihuahua and sits down next to this guy, whom
she notices is feeling a little bit queasy. A few
minutes go buy and the guy looks at her and blows his
chunks. He looks down and sees the little dog struggling
in a pool of vomit and says, "Whoa, I don't remember
A man walks into a bar, and orders
a beer. As he sits there, the jar of nuts on the bar
tells him what a nice shirt he is wearing. Disturbed by
this, he goes to the cigarette vending machine to buy a
pack of smokes. As he approaches the machine, it starts
screaming and shouting at him. He runs to the bar and
explains this to the barman. The barman apologizes and
says "The peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette
machine is out of order"!
This guy walks into a bar with
this really great shirt on. The bartender goes, "Where'd
you get the great shirt mate?" The man replies, "David
Jones." This 2nd guy walks into the bar with really good
pants on and the bartender goes "Where'd you get the
great pants mate?" The man replies, " David Jones." This
3rd guy walks into the bar with really great shoes and
sock on. The bartender goes, "Where'd you get the great
shoes and socks mate?" The man replies, "David Jones."
Then this 4th guy runs in naked and the bartender goes,
"Look Who the hell are you mate?" And the naked guy
says, "I'm David Jones!"
A man is in a bar and has one too
many drinks. This beautiful lady sits down next to him.
He turns to her and says "Hey how bout it. You and me,
gettin it on. I've got a couple dollars and it looks
like you could use a little money." She stands up and
says, "What makes you think I charge by the inch."
A guy walks into a bar with a dog
under his arm, puts the dog on the bar and announces
that the dog can talk and that he has $100 he's willing
to bet anyone who says he can't. The bartender quickly
takes the bet and the owner looks at the dog and asks,
"What's the thing on top of this building which keeps
the rain from coming inside?" The dog answers "ROOF."
The bartender says, "Who are you kidding? I'm not
paying." The dogs owner says, "How about double or
nothing and I'll ask him something else". The bartender
agrees and the owner turns to the dog and asks, "Who was
the greatest ballplayer of all time". The dog answers
with a muffled "RUTH." With that the bartender picks
them both up and throws them out the door. As they
bounce on the sidewalk the dog looks at his owner and
There was once a man who was in a
bar, terribly drunk. The bartender noticed this, and
when he asked for another beer, the bartender politely
told him that he was too drunk to be served another
drink. The man leaves. He walks in the side door and
asks the bartender for a beer. A little frustrated, the
bartender repeats the answer he said before. The man
leaves. He then comes in the other side door, walks to
the bartender and asks for a beer. The bartender is
annoyed, and tells the man he is too drunk and to get a
ride home and leave his bar. He leaves. He then comes in
the BACK door, comes the the bartender, and before he
can say a word, the bartender explodes at him. "I told
you already, you are way to drunk, you can not have
another beer! Get out of my bar!" Disgruntled, the man
looks at the bartender and asks, "Man, how many bars do
you work at?"
A preacher goes into a bar and
says "Anybody who wants to go to heaven, stand up."
Everybody stands up except for a drunk in the corner.
The preacher says "My son, don't you want to go to
heaven when you die?" The drunk says "When I die? Sure.
I thought you were taking a load up now."
After a heavy night at the pub, a
drunken man decides to sleep off his drunkenness at a
local hotel. He approaches the reception desk, takes
care of the formalities and heads off to his suite.
Several minutes later, the drunk staggers back to the
reception desk and demands his room be changed. "But
sir," said the clerk, "you have the best room in the
hotel." "I insist on another room!!!" said the drunk.
"Very good, sir. I'll change you from 502 to 525. Would
you mind telling me why you don't like 502?" asked the
clerk. "Well, for one thing," said the drunk, "it's on