Three
guys were sitting in a biker bar. A man came in, already drunk,
sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. The man looked around
and saw the 3 men sitting at a corner table. He got up, staggered
to the table, leaned over, looked the biggest one in the face
and said, "I went by your grandma's house and I saw her
in the hallway, buck naked. Man, she is fine!" The biker
looked at him and didn't say a word. His buddies were confused,because
he was a bad ass, and would fight at he drop of a hat.
The drunk leaned
on the table again and said, "I got it on with your grandma
and she is good, the best I ever had!" The biker still
said nothing. His buddies were starting to get mad.
The drunk leaned
on the table again and said, "I'll tell you something
else boy, your grandma liked it!" The biker stood up,
took the drunk by the shoulder and said, "Damn it, Grandpa,
you're drunk! Go home!"
A man in a bar
had a couple of beers, and the bartender told him he owed
4 dollars.
"But I paid,
don't you remember?" said the customer.
"Okay,"
said the bartender. "If you say you paid, you did."
The man then went
outside and told a friend that the bartender couldn't keep
track of his customers' bills. The second man then rushed
in and ordered a beer. When it came time to pay he pulled
the same stunt.
The barkeep replied,
"If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it."
Soon the customer
went into the street, saw an old friend, and told him how
to get free drinks.
The man hurried
into the bar and began to drink high balls when, suddenly,
the bartender leaned over and said, "You know, a funny
thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer,
neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy
who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose."
"Don't bother
me with your troubles," the final patron responded. "Just
give me my change and I'll be on my way."
The local bar was
so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that
they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze
a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the
lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop
of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over
time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could
do it. One day this scrawny little man came into the bar,
wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a
tiny squeaky voice
"I'd like
to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the
bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then
he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's
laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist
around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the
crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the
little man...
"What do you
do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, what?"
The man replied,
"I work for the IRS."
A very drunk man
goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender serves him
and asks him if he would like to try the bar game of darts.
Three in the bull's-eye and win a prize. Only a dollar for
three darts. The drunk agrees and throws the first dart: A
bull's-eye!
Downs another drink,
takes aim on wobbly feet, lets go... Two bulls eyes!
Two more quick drinks go down. Barely able to stand, he lets
go with the last dart. Three bulls eyes!
All are astounded.
No one has ever won. The bartender searches for a prize...
grabs a turtle from the bar's terrarium and presents it to
the drunk as his prize.
Three weeks pass.
The drunk returns and orders more drinks, then announces he
would like to try the dart game again.
To the total amazement
and wonderment of all the local drunks, he scores three more
bulls eyes and demands his prize. The bartender, being a sort
of drunk himself, and a bit short of memory, doesn't know
what to give, and he asks the drunk "Say, what did you
win the last time?"
And the drunk responds
"A roast beef sandwich on a hard roll!"
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of
Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out
of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to
the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You
know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better
if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well,
you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in
Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we
promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when
we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a
nice custom, and leaves it there.
The
Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the
same way: ordering three pints and drinking them in turn. One
day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars
notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the
second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude
on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your
great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment,
then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no,"
he says, "Everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."
A man
goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for
a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in
here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This
is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender
says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The
man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.
Another
guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him,
stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless
you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously
thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a
drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog
in here!"
The
second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The
bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have
Chiwauas as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second
and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"
A man
walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots."
Bartender says, "You want them both now or one at a time?"
The guy says," Oh, I want them both now. One's for me and
one's for this little guy here," and he pulls a tiny three
inch man out of his pocket.
The
bartender asks "He can drink?"
"Oh,
sure. He can drink."
So the
bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks
it all up.
"That's
amazing" says the bartender. "What else can he do,
can he walk?"
The
man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey,
Jake. Go get that." The little guy runs down to the end
of the bar and picks up the quarter. Then he runs back down
and gives it to the man.
The
bartender is in total shock. "That's amazing" he says,
"what else can he do? Does he talk?"
The
man says "Sure he talks, hey, Jake, tell him about that
time we were in Africa and you made fun of that witch doctor's
powers!"
A good
samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon
this drunk on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the drunk
"do you live here?" "Yep". "Would you
like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep". When they
got up on the second floor, the good person asked "Is this
your floor?" "Yep".
Then
the good samaritan got to thinking that maybe he didn't want
to face the man's irate and tired wife because she may think
he was the one who got the man drunk. So, he opened the first
door he came to and shoved him through it then went back downstairs.
However, when he went back outside, there was another drunk.
So he asked that drunk "Do you live here?" "Yep".
"Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep".
So he did and put him in the same door with the first drunk.
Then went back downstairs.
Where,
to his surprise, there was another drunk. So he started over
to him. But before he got to him, the drunk staggered over to
a policeman and cried "Please officer, protect me from
this man.
He's
been doing nothing all night long but taking me upstairs and
throwing me down the elevator shaft!"
  
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